How stuff works in the movies
September 27, 2007 by Honolulu
Something I wrote a while back:
From the Good Guy’s Bomb Disposal Guide:
1. Always arrive at the scene just in time to defuse a time bomb at T minus 00:00:01.
2. Criminals use a strictly enforced color coding standard for the wires in their bombs. You must cut either the red wire or the blue wire to defuse the bomb.
From the Psychopath Bomber’s Manual:
1. Color code the wires in your bomb. Never, EVER use cheap, single color wires for assembly.
2. Always include a countdown timer so that the good guy may cut the wire at 00:00:01.
3. Pay attention to aesthetics: use nice blinking indicator lights and periodic high pitched beeps in your bomb.
4. Audio-visual interface is extremely important. Prerecord and include in your program, voice messages in sexy female voices. Use the following as guidelines:
“Releasing deadly virus…”
“Destruction of Washington D.C. in 5 seconds…”
“Now downloading top secret files…”
“Counterfeit passport creation in progress…”
From the User’s Manual for the Typical Movie Car:
1. If your car hits a parked car at medium to high speed, it will suddenly fly up in the air, cartwheel, and then land upside down.
2. If your car hits a wall or an electricity pole, it will explode.
3. If you are still alive inside your car after impact, it will not explode. It will, however, explode immediately after you drag your injured passenger out of the car to a safe distance.
4. If your brakes fail, your clutch pedal will also fail to disengage the engine. You will not be able to shift to neutral gear. You will somehow forget to turn off the engine by turning the key. The car will continue to move at top speed until you run out of gas or hit something.
5. In the above situation, if a good guy races to your side in his car and then jump into yours, he will be able to turn off the engine.
How not to get out of problems:
1. If your wife walks in on you when you are with another woman, do not ever ask “How long have you been standing there?”, because she will always answer “Long enough”.
2. In situations such as above, do not use the following phrases. They never work:
“Honey, it’s not what you think!”
“Wait, I can explain!”
3. Or, if you are being arrested:
“I don’t know what you are talking about”
“There must be some mistake”
About Aliens
1. Even though you are technologically advanced, do not wear clothes — come naked.
2. Even though your spaceships are advanced enough to travel hundreds of light years, they may fail at the last one billionth of the journey and crash land on Earth.
